Here it is, the post I promised, what, two days ago.
So last Friday I finished my two week long art classes up at MIAD(Milwaukee Institute of Art and Design). I took a drawing and painting class. There I met awesome people, Sidhe, a guy I like named Renly, and then some other people who were kind of just there(I don’t do well with large amounts of people, I get hella jealous I guess, off topic). Now before these classes I did a huge prayer and even cast a spell(using only energy from myself and around me) to affect my time. To allow me to make friends, get better, and find love. Now, my love finding went well, *explosion noise*, and I did make friends. Now skill wise, this is where it gets weird. When I cast the spell I made Odin the main controller of my spell. He got the majority of my channeled energy. Why would I make Odin the keeper of my spell, well, he’s a master sorcerer, makes sense to give him my magic, and oversees journeys. This wasn’t a physical journey, but damn he made it an emotional and mental one. He helped get me on this path and just gave me obstacle after obstacle. I practiced, worked, nearly broke down again and again, and through this I discovered some stuff.
1) I have insane amounts of self doubt. I doubt my abilities, my skills, and do the terrible thing of comparing my limited drawing time to someone else’s years of practice and experience. So yeah, I doubt anything I could do.
2) I fear my own artwork. I fear placing down a mark of any sort. I feel like a mistake imparts some sort of permanence upon my work. I fear messing up.
3) I’m trans, oh so painfully trans. I could hardly bear to do my self portrait. Just looking into the mirror was hard since I do my best to avoid that. Making a realistic representation of myself hurt so goddamn much. I know everyone has something they don’t like about themselves, but trans people and anorexic people seem to be the few who look into a mirror and want to fall to the floor sobbing. So yeah, drawing was fun.
4) When I don’t get something I hate myself. I hate myself because I have trouble just letting go and doing. I hate myself because why can’t I understand something they can. How can normal language confound me so. How can I just not get it.
5) I can’t handle passing phrases since they just feel so goddamn painful to me. Mainly because in my moments of self hate and doubt they bubble up. They bubble up and torment me.
So yeah, these two weeks Odin took me for a joyride. He ran me through and it hurt. It hurt so goddamn much, but in the end I’m here, I’m still alive. I’m in pain, scarred a bit, but I’m still hear. So fuck yeah for me. I survived, and came out with more understanding of how I work. Thanks Odin. Your like a really self serving, ambitious, self critical Gandalf, and I say that with the utmost respect. But I respect you Odin, and I respect the revealing power of the journey.